THE 2025 COMPETITION
Runner Up
To: Lidl
Dear Sir/Madam
It has always been my aspiration to travel Germany, devour a frankfurter, accompanied by my delightful husband clad in lederhosen. However, due to my busy schedule of tea-parties, phone-calls and napping I thought a trip to your German establishment would suffice. I was, however, mistaken.
During my excursion, I wandered down the fruit and vegetable aisle, in pursuit of healthy alternatives to the call of the biscuit tin. I was instead met with a ghastly sight. Amongst fields of avocados, were objects resembling these newfangled ‘stress balls’ my granddaughter collects; their shells were so malleable. The entire crate must be thrown out, restocked upon the instant.
In summer weather, I wanted only a punnet of strawberries, a bowlful of nature’s pick’n’mix. I dreamed of Wimbledon’s dessert all my way home. However, upon sampling a berry, my mouth was assaulted. Lidl’s strawberries ought to be re-christened ‘nothingberries’. I would rather halve my pension on an allotment for real, flavoursome fruits. I am embarrassed to have spent even a pound on these black-holes of flavour.
Clearly, I will not be repurchasing Lidl’s groceries; I should have walked the extra four minutes to Waitrose.
Yours faithfully,
