THE 2023 COMPETITION
To: To the Lord Mayor of London
Each Wednesday at 5.30 pm I attend an oriental cooking masterclass in South London. Within the last few sessions alone I have perfected the Peking Duck, got on an intimate level with the Dim Sum and, so my supervisor informs me, shown much promise in my Mango Mousse. With so much potential to be explored, I’m sure you can understand my impatience to be on time and ready to fry at the School of Wok last Wednesday, 25th April.
However, a slight misadventure delayed me. As I passed through Marble Arch, I noticed large crowds beginning to form which, I hardly need tell you, is always a worrying sign. Especially when they’re holding banners and wearing badges. Yet, not one to attack freedom of speech nor attire adornments, I forced myself to think nothing of it. Unfortunately, my wilful toleration was not long for this world. Five minutes later, I was confronted with a traffic jam worse than I have seen for at least a month. The protestors – for by now I knew them to be such – trooped straight past my car. Employing my initiative, I photographed the ubiquitous name: ‘XR’.
Later, bemused by this unfamiliar acronym and yet always eager to receive a balanced evaluation of every situation, I researched ‘XR’ on the Daily Mail website. My findings were shocking. ‘Eco-mobs’, ‘climate zealots’ and ‘vegans’ had been raging all around me, holding up the city and – worse still – my schedule.
I arrived at my class half an hour late and thoroughly disgruntled. Indeed, so distressed was I that, during our ‘Stir Fry Stir Fun’ session, I burnt all the vegetables. And I have to tell you, the lingering smell of charred shiitake mushroom quite put me off my supper.
I implore you do something about these end-of-the-world hooligans; they have no right to disrupt the flow of everyday life and keep me from my cooking class.