I am writing to you to demand the cancellation of a television show that I can only describe as scandalous: ‘Peppa Pig’.
Having just returned home from Waitrose yesterday, I decided to treat myself and turned on the television to watch an episode of ‘Simply Nigella’. You can only imagine my shock when this absolute hooligan, Philippa the pig, appeared on my screen. My innocent boy, just thirteen years old, was still awake at five post meridiem when this so-called ‘children’s show’ was being broadcasted! Imagine if it had been he who turned on the television and was, without consent, exposed to Philippa’s brutish behaviour? Fat-shaming her father, using vulgar language (she said the word ‘yuck’ three times in one episode!) What could possibly be next? She might as well be coordinating a drugs cartel!
In desperate need of consolation following the traumatic experience, I confided in an acquaintance, Mrs Mary-Rosalind Partridge, who is the proud mother of a sixty-three month old daughter. She had not been so lucky as I. It was too late… Her daughter had already started jumping in muddy puddles. Recovery is not certain.
Disgusted does not even begin to describe the way that I am feeling. Should you fail to meet my demands, then I shall have no choice but to get the police involved under the suspicion of radicalising children!