2021 Winner - Edna Welthorpe (Mrs)
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Penelope Ogieriakhi

From: James Allen’s Girls’ School, London



To: Able & Cole,

Dear Abel &Cole,

I most urgently must address your twenty-pounds-and-one-pence home delivery holusculi packages. My first (and last!) of these packages appeared yesterday morning. Unsatisfactory was the cheese-wire of a string wound round the carton in guise of a handle. I was sorry not to have the mittens at hand.


This agonizing experience was quickly followed by an even more upsetting unwrapping of the produce. I at length found the aforementioned holusculi after the filthy, time-consuming task of sifting through soil. I was greeted by what initially resembled a frostbitten finger, which upon further inspection proved to be an inappropriately coloured purple carrot, casually identified as ‘AMETHYST PRINCESS?More frightening was the enormous, bewhiskered contortion imaginatively labelled GOLDEN NUGGET POTATO’. Innumerable crevasses on the asymmetric form defied any manner of peeling action. I was not impressed by the treasure trunk theme.


Psychedelic carrots, suggestively shaped fungi and quite frankly random roots are neither ‘golden’ nor precious and ought to be kept out of the sight of children. I shall not tolerate so-called organ-ic vegetation: unidentifiable objects presumably swiped from the operating table.


I have disposed of the oddities to the acute appeasement of the household.

Yours sincerely,

Edna Welthorpe (Mrs)