I am writing to you in regard to an artistic endeavour in which I wished to inquire whether you might be prepared to invest/pay. It has after all come to my attention that you are interested in the artistic endeavours of mankind. To which: bravo.
Furthermore, I have myself for sometime been engaged in the writing of a piece of theatre which addresses certain themes of current interest. The piece is entitled ‘The Pansy’ and seeks (and indeed does) address the issue (not problem!) of homo-sexuality within what I think I may still, just, call our ‘civilization’.
To whit. A group of young and free people (not hippies) encamp upon a lakeside, there to discuss the right and wrong ways to achieve personal happiness and sensual liberation. It is not intended to be, nor is it, filth such as you get sometimes, but rather an honest and brilliant examination of the problem of homo-sexuality in our current world and if it can and should ever find a place in it, i.e. the world. (Answer: yes, with limits).
A modest amount, of around one hundred and twenty five pounds (taxis, hat, tea etc.) would see us through the rehearsal process and then all we would require is the use of a central London theatre. The Prince of Wales, The London Palladium or The Mousetrap would all suffice.
I know that the financial implications of a monstrous success will be of little matter to a figure such as yourself, but I might add I should be willing to split the considerable profits with you in a judicial manner. My opening offer would be 89-11 in MY FAVOUR. But I would add this is an aggressive initial suggestion and I am MORE THAN WILLING to negotiate down to the region of 75-25 (alas, still in my favour).
Thank you for your attention. I look forward to your investment.
Jesse Armstrong is one of the UK’s foremost comedy writers. Alongside Sam Bain, he has written eight series of the BAFTA Award-winning Peep Show, as well as Fresh Meat, Bad Sugar and, with Chris Morris, Four Lions. Jesse also co-wrote The Thick of It and the Oscar-nominated In the Loop. His first novel, Love Sex & Other Foreign Policy Goals, was published in 2015.